# Before Work May 4, 2024 I have about half an hour to kill before work, so I decided to try and break out a blog post before I get to selling backpacks. Trouble is, I don't really have something I want to say. I'm not inspired by some big idea, and the only thing I can really think about is whatever it is that's making me anxious right now. I'm starting [[school]] again in a month and I think I may not be treating my [[ADHD ]]aggressively enough. There are multiple interconnecting reasons why things might be difficult for me right now. Both the women in my life are sick right now, not seriously, but I've been playing caretaker for half a week now and that leaves me tired. I've decided not to try and up the dosage on my anti-depressant because the primary depressor in my life is my job and the fact that this job is a dead end for me. Going to work and listening to people try and get me and my coworkers to care about a business that is shrinking and will shrink more before the shrinking is done is..... exhausting, in the way that I have to pretend I am not pessimistic about the future of this business. I'm working some connections and I don't think I'll have to be here much longer, but I've been here much longer than I'd planned already. I'm pretending here. That makes me tired. I'm taking meds for my ADHD, but they're a non-stimulant medication. For those who don't know, stimulants like Adderall are generally the most effective treatment for ADHD, but they have side effects. Adderall is basically an amphetamine, so increased blood pressure is almost a given. Hypertension and heart disease run in my family, and I already carry more weight on my body than I'd prefer. The Doc is reluctant to prescribe a stimulant if we can avoid it, for now. I don't know if I can avoid it any more, though. My [[weight loss]] has stalled, and I think it's because I'm coping with my [[depression]] the way I always have, with junk food. I want a new job, but I have to wait on things outside my control now. Classes start in four weeks. I'm stuck waiting. I have never been good at the [[patience]] thing. And I just have to wait. Maybe I should take up meditation or something.